What Football Team Should I Support?

I haven't been following the UK football scene for a long while now, and now that I think about it, why support any team that is situated 11,000km from where I live? However, the weekend fixture between Arsenal and Chelsea intrigued me. I thought to myself, 'What is Chelsea, and why is it at the top of Division 1?!' I think they call it the Premier League nowadays. I used to support Liverpool many years ago, and stopped when these three players vanished from the scene: John Barnes, Ian Rush, and Peter Beardsley, who had a really bad haircut but could play football rather well. I also miss Peter Shilton, who was once England's goalkeeper, and whose home team was Derby County. It was listening to the BBC sports reports that I first knew how to pronounce Derby (DAHbi), so that's nice. I know the Americans pronounce this as DERbi, but my allegiance is to the British Empire (despite the fact that Britan is located 11,000km from where I live), so I shall stick to the former. Anyway, lots of people gain seemingly easy satisfaction from supporting a top team. Fans don't need to do anything remotely resembling the actual physical activity called football to feel they belong to the team, and to feel wonderful and great especially when the team wins. Probably the closest thing folks ever do is scream at the TV and gesture dramatically, pretty much like what a real manager does. So, they are actually getting quite a good deal out of all this investment. No work and all gain. So, I feel I need to take advantage of that. I need to choose a team to support, which is a rather lame excuse of saying, 'You guys really work so hard every time there's a game, and I would like to imagine I am the one doing the running and dribbling, and feel great when you guys win! I would like to use the phrase "we won!" when in fact it's you guys who actually did all the hard work. But I know you won't mind!' Where do I start? Let's start with the current League leader Chelsea. I don't really like Chelsea; I'm not in favour of their blue uniforms. And isn't Chelsea a girl's name?! Chelsea Clinton! Nope, I don't think I'll support Chelsea. Manchester United? I like their uniforms, there's this big O on the front of their jerseys. (Actually, I just discovered it's Vodafone's logo.) And there's even a Man U shop in town so buying merchandise will be quite convenient. But Fergie seems to be quite a bad coach, throwing things at David Beckham or something like that, I heard once. So I don't think I'll support Man U. How about Arsenal? Well, I think the coach Wenger seems cute. But the thing I don't like about Arsenal is that firstly, it reminds me of war. Like bombs and stuff. Their nickname is The Gunners. So I don't think I like them too much. That leaves me with only one option, given the fact that I should choose one of the top three teams currently on the charts. Liverpool!! Wikipedia describes Liverpool as 'the most successful English football team'. Now we're talking, where do I sign up?! I only wish Beardsley were still playing, sigh. I do hope they top the league though, or else I'd have wasted my emotional and physical investment, especially the constant waving at the TV when my players don't know what the heck they're doing! Merry Christmas to everyone reading, especially to Liverpool F.C., of which I'm the greatest fan. May you top the league and beat Chelsea! PS. What's Chelsea, again?